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Merry Belated Christmas!


I'm a terrible blogger, I really am... I'm sorry.

Ohh BTW, rant alert.... i'd leave the premesis prontoif i were you, unless you wanna get trapped in whine-fest 08.

So yeah, Life's been alright in my neck of the woods in case you were wondering. Christmas was fun... different, but fun none the less. Since it was the first Christmas our family has had with the adoptive-ies mom & dad went a little overboard. There were so many gifts under the tree that morning, it was surreal. The kids had a great day and thanks to my brother's gift to the boys... there is now lego covering every square inch of the kitchen floor. Even Bella had a great day, and she NEVER has good days. (she's awfully pessimistic for a toddler) I'll admit to feeling a few pangs of jealousy because the day wasn't focused on my brother & I any longer, but i mean...that was to be expected. We're not kids any more... It's stupid to even feel bad about it.

Moving on... It was my birthday on the 27th. I am now a certified 16 year old (only not technically certified, because i dont think that it is a certifiable kinda thing) That day started off on a crappy note, lemme tell ya. I began in a pool if tears and self pity, figuring out all of the things that are wrong in my life. My journal was a sad sad place to be... After that, one by one my friends all canceled on the invite i gave them to come over to my place. They all had legitimate excuses, I just wasn't in the mood to verify that. I mean, this whole year, since all of the craziness started happening, my one fear has always been becoming obsolete, forgotten, unimportant... and then... on the one day a year that is supposedly all my own, no one cared enough to show up. I'd never voice any of this out loud of course, god I'd feel so terribly guilty. more so than i do now...

but to top it off, my parents are hurting. Everything about our situation is wearing them down. My dad's been in and out of the hospital for this problem and that problem... he seems to have problems up the ying yang. he just huffs around the house, mulling in his own miserable cloud of stress. His positivity is gone, I don't know what's happening, but i'll admit i'm scared as hell. Even worse though is my mom. She's a silent sufferer if I've ever seen one. She has a good pokerface, but every once in a while she'll let her gaurd down. I can she that she's hurting more than anyone, she's just determined to stay strong, to lull us into this false disbelief that everything will be okay. Whether she believes it herself, or if it's just a ploy to get us to stop asking if she's alright, that's yet to be seen. All i know is that they are exausted, and hurting, and pretending like they arent. I don't know how much more of them i can take... how much more THEY can take?

--Lauren

Carols Schmerols

Do christmas carols bother anyone else?

or is that just me?



I don't know what it is about them, but they are all so repetative and over played and trite and UGH they make me want to pull my hair out! Its that time of year when radio stations are ordered to play a heaping load of christmas carols, each song the same... but covered by a different person in a different way.

The worst carol offenders include

• Rocking around the christmas tree
• Silent Night
• White Christmas
• Deck the Halls
• Jingle bell rock

I'm not anti-christmas... I'm just anti christmas carol. They simply annoy me beyond belief. As i type, I currently have "jingle bells" in my head and it is driving me off the edge. Haha k, that's all.

Peace up atown down

--lauren

Oh joy... more poetry (sarcasm)

So I told you all about the guy I like now, right? his name is James, but we'll nickname him "rehab boy" for added anonymity. Well he has inspired a number of my recent poetic works, so i just thought I'd share a few small pieces before my head implodes with analyzations. Enjoy & what not:

Invisible Eyes
This pretense of normalcy is wearing to its end
The different tiers of insanity now waiting
How long can a silent voice scream without gasping for air?
How much can a single breath impact a lifetime?
From one familiar voice to the next
I exist to impress the boy inside my head...
The one with the deep voice and invisible eyes
Always elusive and critical at best
He's the force behind my modest smile
But as these contour lines blend into the face of reality
A twisted girl is born.



Sweet Skepticism
Staring at the words scrawled out before me
The ink refuses coherence with a vengeance
These tired eyes can barely read the lines
Let alone the ones between them
Your implications begin to irk my stability
And a new hope rises from uncertain depths
But I can’t fall back into this rundown routine
It must seem terribly jaded by now
Yet the only way off this idealist surplus
Is to be lobbed into my own personal hell
I'd prefer to wait till morning...



A Lucid Tomorrow
This varnished truth had overridden her rationality
A stable condition has now warped into a dangerous new being
The patronizing stance of her lead in waiting
Had become a perverse comfort to this partial girl
But the pretense of unkindness was only in her head
And all promise of a lucid tomorrow is forgotten
While the same dejected sad song repeates without mercy



Happy December :)
--lauren